Only four months in and with eight still to go in yoga teacher training, already the transformation is showing on all of the students in my course. Training has been much harder on me than I expected. Much, much, much harder. The information I take in each week in class is huge, some weeks my brain is bursting with so much new information on anatomy, philosophy and sequences to learn for teaching that I feel like my head is going to explode. I wonder, how am I ever going to remember it all? Then on top of that, there’s the transformation we are all experiencing as we go through training and the emotional roller coaster that that entails. You see, there’s this path I desperately want to be on, and yet there seems to be so many obstacles to overcome along the way. On top of which, my body is changing, my brain is changing, my thoughts on life and my understanding of what it is to be a yogi is broadening, and oh, the vulnerability of teaching, did I mention that one? Far harder than anything I have done. It is a far greater responsibility to be a yoga teacher than I imagined.
The truth? It feels as if teacher training is dragging me over hot coals, and the incredible uncomfortableness of having to face my fears is taking me to a vulnerable place that I have spent my life avoiding. Although I want to run away from the responsibility and self-discipline of it all – and at times I do escape, I am also discovering the pure joy of turning up and meeting my fears head-on. In fact, I’m learning to accept and embrace them. The trick is, and it’s a pretty basic one, is to just to be yourself. At first I was trying to be just like my teachers. But how could I be? I was doomed to fail. Then I realised that all that was required was for me to be me. Of course this made me feel more vulnerable, and for a while I thought I was never going to be able to let go. I still don’t know how I’m going to get through. What I do know is that each time I step on to the mat to teach, I’m going to do my best to connect with the class and eventually, I’m told the nerves will dissipate, and the wisdom of my years on the mat will take over and my voice as a yoga teacher will shine through. That’s the plan anyway!
love & light xo